Yesterday I was talking to a woman and we were just chatting about school. I remember saying to her, "I wish I could just learn and absorb all the information in my classes, but skip all the tests." She laughed and said that then I wouldn't know if I actually learned it....
I didn't tell her this, of course, but I don't think that's always the case. I could tell you so much of what I have learned in my bible lit class, theatre, math, econ, and psychology, and that's without having a test in front of me.
I got a D on my psychology 405 test.
I studied really hard.
You know though, that test doesn't reflect the knowledge that I have or of how much I have learned in psychology 405. It's actually my favorite class. I really enjoy it. And for the most part, understand it. Many people would say, "No you don't, you just got a D on the test."
We get into this mindset that we all have to go to school, we all have to be tested, and we all have to perform well, and if not, we're screwed for life. But says who? The government? Professors? Teachers? Parents?
Says who?
So therefore, you ask me now, if tests don't really matter, than why are you crying?
Because school is hard. Because no matter how much I study, I still get a D or a C, or an F. I'm upset because even if I feel like I have learned A LOT in my classes, I still do not perform that way on the test. I am upset because that is the way the school system is set up. I am upset because there is so much emphasis put on tests. And tests make up your grades.
Now you might think, well Whit, that's life. That's how our system is set up.
And you are right. I know you are right.
Emily heard this song in the car this morning and told me to listen to it. It's called, "I can Just be Me."
"I've been doing all that I can
To hold it all together
Piece by piece
I've been feeling like a failure
Trying to be braver
Than I could ever be
It's just not me."
I listen to those words and I can't help but feel like school is just not me. And I know that sounds so silly, because so many people are in school. It sounds silly, but really, so many people feel the same way. And to an extent I think that is okay. School is a challenging place for a lot of people and they try and try and try but the results do not always come out the way they hoped. If not anything else, they learn perseverance.
But I am so proud of myself. When I am babysitting or taking care of the precious babies at Grace church, I have this sense of peace. I know I am in my element there. I am confident. I am strong. I am happy and have so much joy.
So, I can't be sad about psych for long, oh yes it's frustrating and oh yes, it makes me want to stop trying hard. But as my mama always tells me, "If not anything else Whit, it is teaching you how to persevere."
I am writing this because it's okay that I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life. It's okay that I struggle in the classroom. It's okay that it's a challenge in my life. Because at the end of the day my passion lies with young kids. And yes, all I really want to do is get married and have a dozen babies and live on a dusty, beautiful ranch in Montana (One can dream), but in the meantime, I'll keep persevering, because that's all I can do.
It's what I know. And it may not totally be ME, but it's where I am right now.
I am so loved and so adored by the highest King and He could really care less about that D. He wants me to keep finding joy in everything. So, I can crawl out of the quilts, make some yummy pasta, study econ with Tera, and know that really at the end of the day, everything will be okay.
Whit
